The Sex Therapy Technique All My Clients Are Shocked By…

By Hailey Rowe-Mabee, LPC-MHSP, CST

Sit for a second and think of the one thing you’d expect a sex therapist to scoff at when it comes to couple’s sex life.

I bet some of you thought: scheduling sex. When couples say they schedule sex to me, it’s often accompanied by “Don’t judge us!” Or “I know we’re boring.” One of the funniest things about being a sex therapist is that people often assume this means I am always working with people to have sex all the time and spontaneously. This however, subscribes to outdated and untrue beliefs about couples and sex that as a sex therapist, we are always trying to break down.

When a couple tells me they schedule sex, I always respond “Good for you guys” because what that tells me is that this couple prioritizes sex within their relationship. They prioritize each other and don’t let small stumbling blocks get in the way. Scheduling sex often leads couples to having more frequent sex and more spontaneous sex because the barriers are taken down. In fact, I often say “sex begets sex” so by having it more, you’re having it more.

People will feel scared that by scheduling sex, they will lose fun, spontaneity, and even belief that their partner wants to have sex. I see couple’s expressions when I suggest it, raised eyebrows and disapproving looks. This often comes from couples married or together for less than a decade. They can’t fathom that sex would devolve into a calendar invite. But here’s the thing, if your partner is putting it on the calendar and you guys are doing it, you both want it! Quit feeling fearful of what people think. If you have a hard time prioritizing sex in your relationship, throw that shit on a calendar. Over time, this can build connection and stronger understanding of intimacy cues. You know what’s worse than having to schedule sex? Not having it!